Watch Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now Online

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1. * "We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
2. * [about breath strips] "Can we not suck anymore?"
3. * [about clear cell-phone reception] "At least if there's static or something you have a warning. You have an indication that you're going to lose the call. Actually, there's nothing worse than it being crystal-clear reception and you've been rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that it cut off who knows how long ago."
4. * [about call-waiting] "It's turned into a mini people's choice awards. Hasn't it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You're having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You're confident they're going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, "I've got to take this other call." And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? "Let me get rid of this other call."
5. * "We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really?... Get my sandwich." [3]