This week on NBC's 30 Rock, Tracy's visit to Larry King Live managed to put Liz's life - and Jack's love life - in jeopardy.
Yeah, so ... this week's episode was pretty blah. Something about it just seemed drab and lifeless, as if the writers and cast were in a mad dash to break for Christmas. Still, let's talk about what went down.
The linchpin for this episode is Tracy's appearance on Larry King Live, which innocently (if randomly) enough starts with the "TGS" star detailing the plot of Teen Wolf. But a breaking news bulleting about the Japanese economy steers their sit-down in an entirely new direction - and one not starring an hirsute Michael J. Fox.
Tracy, without missing a beat, begins blathering on about the ramifications of the news, suggesting, "New York as we know it will no longer exist tomorrow" and such. This, of course, sends the city into a very un-Disneylike panic full of looting and rioting and the tagging of innocent farm boys.
And speaking of Kenneth.... As the madness percolates, he offers to escort Liz to Long Island City to retrieve a cell phone left in a cab and possessing an "adult" picture of Liz, taken by Drew. Liz, though, must lead Kenneth to believe that the phone actually has sentimental value, that it has her "dead" nana singing a lullaby that sounds a lot like "99 Luftballons." One assault by a pack of rioting small children later, Kenneth realizes the true nature of the phone's value and leaves Liz stranded.
Ultimately, Kenneth has a change-of-heart about his friend, and meets back up with her at the taxi depot.
This is where I circle back to a D- or F-story, where Tracy (still prattling on Larry King) reveals that he has hiding a lot of money somewhere at 30 Rock - namely, the "safest place," with a hard top and soft bottom, and no matter where it moves the cash stays in the same place. While Frank and the gang get a blink-and-you-missed-it "storyline," ransacking the place and calling into Larry King to get further hints, Kenneth realizes that his page blazer is lined with the loot. This allows him to pay off the crooked cabbie and get Liz's phone back.
Elsewhere - or is it "Elisa-where"? - Jack is prompted to demonstrate his commitment to Elisa, lest 1) she never have sex with him and 2) she travel to Puerto Rico for the winter. Jack, in love, dedicates a whole week to his lady love, only to have his attention diverted by the economic crisis spurred by Tracy's ramblings. Jack proposes to Elisa to save the day, but in the end she leaves him a goodbye video, as we bid Salma Hayek and her considerable charms adieu.
* "That doctor was a quack. I don't know why my parents even listened to him."
* Jack, revealing to Liz that he and Elisa have yet to have sex: "We have of course ... pleasured one another."
* Liz's gloating reaction? "In 2009, I have done it two more times than you. Give it up, what-what!"
* Tracy en route to Larry King: "I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch."
* Is Tracy ready to plug "TGS" on Fridays at 10:30 on NBC? "You got it - NGS, Fridays at C30 on TB10." And yet he nails it on The Today Show.
* Liz reacting to the cab driver's original "ransom" demand: "I'll definitely do that - on opposite day!"
* Jack declaring, "We're Jack and Elisa - 'Jalisa.'"
* "But what about Jackonathan?!" Seriously, they need to find another joke for that character.
* "... but then he scores a basket, even though he's not a wolf anymore!"
* "I was supposed to be in Rush Hour, but I was replaced by Jackie Chan."
* "Everyone needs to calm down and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome."
* Liz and Kenneth getting off the "X" subway line (?), at the Zagornia Station (?!?!)
* Kenneth guessing Liz's lullaby: "Was it 'The day is done, my sweet, but the lambs have been decapitated'?"