8 Simple Rules for Dating a Teenage Vampire


As if the world of teenage dating wasn't complicated enough, The Vampire Diaries threw a wrench into the mix by having Elena learn all about Stefan's vampire secret. However, Elena couldn't handle the pressure and dumped Stefan like a bag of potatoes at the end of the latest episode.


Still, between newly single Stefan, Damon and now Vicki, there are three very sexy vampires out there single and ready to mingle. But what should you do if you wanted to date one of these undead bloodsuckers? There are some important lessons you need to know as learned on The Vampire Diaries, so make sure you're prepared by checking out my 8 simple rules for dating a teenage vampire.


1. Vampires Can Shave


If your teenage vampire boyfriend is looking a little scruffy and he claims he can't shave because he can't see his own reflection in the mirror, he's lying. The truth is that vampires can be reflected in any surface, so the scruff just means he's lazy.


2. Italian Restaurants are Great for Dates


You might be worried that your vampire can't handle being surrounded by that much garlic, but that's just an urban legend. Not only can vampires eat garlic, but they seem to have an affinity for chicken parmesan.


3. Your Cross Necklace Won't Hurt Him


Another false rumor about vampires is that crosses can harm them. This is a lie, so if your vampire boyfriend tells you to get rid of your cross necklace, it's because he thinks it's ugly, not because it will hurt him every time he tries to make out with you.


4. Never Invite Him Into Your Home


This rule might seem odd, but once a vampire is invited, he can come in whenever he wants, and since there's always the possibility that teenage romance can turn sour, it's best to avoid that altogether.


5. Don't Steal His Jewelry


You might think some of his rings are fabulous and want to try wearing them yourself. Don't do it! Odds are if a vampire is wearing some piece of ornate jewelry, it has something to do with protecting him from the sunlight. As a second part to this rule, if your vampire boyfriend gives you a piece of jewelry, you should always wear it, because it's probably protecting you against him.


6. Always Keep a Spare Piece of Wood Around


Sure vampires are immune to garlic, Holy Water, crosses and sometimes sunlight, but there is one true way to kill a vampire: a wooden stake through the heart. In fact, lodging any type of wood into their body will at least slow them down for a bit. So if it's your first date, don't bother with mace or a tazer gun, just make sure you have a piece of wood to jam into him if he tries to make a move against your will.


7. Never Drink His Blood


In every story, there are different rules for how you become a vampire. On The Vampire Diaries, first you have to drink a vampire's blood. Then you die. Finally, you come back to life and drink a human's blood. The inherent problem is that, if you drink your vampire boyfriend's blood, you will eventually die, and then you'll come back to life with a craving for human blood. In theory, you could drink his blood, break up, die 50 years later, and you'd still be eligible for vampire status.


8. Vampires Come with a LoJack


Are you worried that your boyfriend is cheating on you, perhaps with another vampire? Since he's super fast, stalking is out of the question, but luckily, there's an easy way to track down your man. Well, it's not easy, but you have to steal the Gilbert Watch and tinker around with it, because it's actually a magical artifact that converts into a vampire detector, so you'll always be able to find your vampire.



So if you want to date a teenage vampire, you need to realize it's going to be very complicated. There will be fights, probably some violence and death, and, of course, tons of emotional baggage. But, if The Vampire Diaries is any indication, all vampires are incredibly good-looking, and since they never age, they'll be pretty forever.


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Oct 19, 2009 10:59PM EDT

Funny. Reminds me of how the real history of how the vampire myth came to be got lost somewhere along the way. Amusing article. Trust me the guys that earned the name vampire you don't want to run into, but they paved the way for some interesting fiction.

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