'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Instant Classics

 On week 8 of Dancing With the Stars, each of the five remaining contestants danced a classic ballroom round and a sure-to-be-disastrous INSTANT DANCE ROUND -- the point of which, according to Carrie Ann, was to "fool us into thinking you know what you're doing." (This is also the point of the whole series.) But -- excluding the Maks factor, which I'll get to below -- the instant round went swimmingly! They just reached into the red-velvet mirrorbowl for their pre-selected mystery songs, picked up the beat, and went with it! Easy breezy! Unless you were Bristol or Brandy.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!

Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 29/30 + 28/30 = 57/60 Maks' white pants danced a lovely waltz during the first round. Oh, Brandy was involved, too? My apologies. I liked how the costumers basically turned Brandy's boobs into enormous bubbles, knowing that partner's bottom-bubbles would threaten to distract us from the Star. What's hilarious is that their rehearsal footage actually involved a helpful comparison -- with helpful visual aids from Maks -- of the performance capacities of each of their butts! Girl, you know that's a battle you are not going to win. Trying to win a butt battle against Maks would be almost as ludicrous as pretending you've never heard of "Teenage Dream" and Katy Perry! (I'm just jealous.) Carrie Ann thwarted a perfect 30 by knocking off a point due to a nitpick about Brandy's neck.

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