1. Lisa and Ken’s Vehicular Interlude
Wherein which the show’s beloved elders take the status symbol for a potentially lethal spin. Just because it’s cute doesn’t mean it can’t kill you.
2. Camille and Taylor’s Malibu Lunch
Camille: Oh my God. My daughter is so busy and important now that she is 8, I hardly ever see her anymore. Take advantage of yours now that she’s little. That's what I did, when I could get a glimpse of them between their nanny phalanges.
Taylor: Taking mothering advice from you gives me a dirty little frisson, like getting sex tips from the Pope.
Camille: Let’s get drunk.
Taylor: You’re sober now?
Camille: So, I’m going to have a dinner party at my house, to reunite the ladies after New York and stir the turd a little. You know, in the name of healing.
Taylor: I’m going to pretend that sounds like a great idea, if only because I am no longer capable of feeling any human interaction that doesn’t involve extreme psychic pain.
Camille: We have a pizza oven, so I’m inviting a chef over to figure out how to turn it on. Also, my friend whom the show Medium with Patricia Arquette is based on — have I mentioned that I am the mind behind that show? — she’s coming. She’s really nice, as long as she doesn’t get drunk. The liquor will flow like water from a mountain spring after the thaw.
3. Paul’s Nose Collapses Upon Being Kicked In by his 4-Year-Old Son
Paul: Adrienne! A-dri-enne!
Adrienne: In here, Rocky. Spreading some beige stuff on Wonder Bread like the producers instructed. Does the tarty bergere outfit enhance my aura of relatability? Or will the peasants soon come after me with pitchforks?
Paul: Hard to say. Look deep into my nostrils! See those shards of silicone? Those were the load-bearing cantilevers, okay? I’m experiencing a Michael Jackson–level nasal disaster here! The integrity of the structure has been breached!
Adrienne: Oh, please. "Integrity." Don’t be a baby.
4. Camille Calls the Housewives and Invites Them Over for Cocktails
Lisa: I’m a little wary, but not so much that I’ll let it interfere with a little showing off. Check out my new Louboutins, signed by the man himself. And check out my housekeeper Rosia. Is she not the most servile servant in the history of Bravo domestics?
Kyle: I am literally soiling myself, so, for backup, I’m bringing Faye Resnick, whom you may remember from such hits as the O.J. Simpson murder trial. She’s my rock. She's like a sister to me. Not like my sister.
Kim: Do you know why you love me more and more as each episode goes by? Because I say things like "My loyalty is to my sister" with utmost sincerity while it becomes increasingly clear that my sister, whom I essentially raised as my own, despises and resents me. There is pathos of the highest order here, if you know where to look for it.
Kyle: Whatever. You love Camille.
5. Camille Primes Her Henchwomen in Anticipation of the Arrival of Her Prey; the Ladies Arrive
Camille: Here, insecure hangers-on. Drink these aquariums. Here’s to old friends, by which I mean ex-friends, by which I mean it’s perfectly clear that your role here is to cause as much grievous harm as you are able to inflict, correct?
D.D. and Allison: Crystal clear, employer-friend.
Lisa: It appears we have walked into an ambush situation.
Camille: Henchies, flank me. The rest of you, you’re on your own. You there. Farrah Hair. Identify yourself. Wait. I know, I saw you naked in Playboy. Fifteen years ago or whatever. I remember it like it was yesterday, because that’s when I Googled you.
Kyle: Funny, I Googled you, too, and learned you posed for Playboy as well.
Camille: Yes, but it was a lingerie supplement and I was in my early twenties and that’s how I met Kelsey, so it’s different. It’s really, really hard for me to find someone to whom I feel morally superior, so I really have to milk this.
Allison: I am a really eerie drunk. Watch.
Adrienne: So the medium is getting tanked …
Kim: … and she pulls out an electronic cigarette …
Kyle: … and starts channeling Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
Adrienne: Oh no.
Allison: I’m having dinner with y’all, so I just ignore the dead people. I can tap your thoughts, too, though. And limn your issues. And read your aura. And palpate your vibes. Like, I can look at you and tell you have daddy issues compounded by mommy issues because your mommy was weak and didn’t stand up to your dad, and Taylor, if you’re getting a funny feeling right about now, yes, you are continuing the tradition … But ladies, I’m off the clock. We’re having a girls’ night, which I define as substance abuse with limo drivers. If you insist on asking for freebies, you’re not going to like what you hear.
Kyle: Can I resist? No, I cannot. You cannot lay these nuggets of provocation at my slender feet and expect me not to blurt out a spicy rejoinder, okay? Did you ever hear the one about the scorpion and the frog? Character is destiny!
Allison: Your marriage is a sham. Whoo! Ladies’ night!
Kyle: Is this about what happened in New York?
Allison: New York? Did something happen in New York? Somehow, the dead people and bad marriage vibes are crowding out all the New York stuff. And Camille didn’t mention it, so how could I know? I’m not a mind reader! Ha-ha. Oops.
Faye: So, what you’re saying is that you, Camille’s mind-reading confidante, had no idea that we were all summoned here tonight so that Camille could get her revenge on Kyle? Per-lease.
Kim: Mommy! Daddy! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Oh God. The walls are closing in. The walls are closing in!
Adrienne: Um … I’m just here to promote my business interests? Are, um, the cameras still rolling, because …
Taylor: Mommy! Daddy! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Oh God. The walls are closing in. The walls are closing in!
Lisa: This is profoundly, disturbingly, deliciously grotesque. Thoroughly amusing evening. Well done.
Kyle: This doesn’t matter to me at all! I have four gorgeous children and a husband who loves me! You have no effect on me whatsoever! That’s why I’m screaming my head off! I am exploding with rage and I have no idea why! It might have something to do with my sister, who was once considered prettier and more famous!
Allison: I am inappropriately channeling my friend’s hatred of you, just like she knew I would. It’s not even a psychic thing, it’s a rage thing! I’m like you! I’m mad! I’m mad! I’m going to get crass now. Here, take a few obscene hand gestures. Funny how deeply I hate after just having met you.
Kim: Oh, God! I’m having a PTSD flashback to New York! Taylor, this is your fault! I’m feeling uninhibited enough to be brutally honest about your lips!
Kyle: Camille, make me understand! Why do you have this effect on me? Why? My passions have never been so inflamed!
Camille: I hate to say jealousy. I really do. I love to hate to say jealousy.
Kim [in her mind]: What if it’s love? What if this is the emotional fulfillment the crazy psychic spoke of? Shut up, Kim! Shut up! You’ve caused enough trouble already! Just back away slowly … Ouch! Pointy plant!
Camille: Watch your step there, sad one.
Allison: I have a TV show based on my life! I am important! I am important!