'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: Theresa explains it all

Somehow sensing drunk Ramona was not enough to see us through this season of "Real Housewives of New York," Bravo decided to rescue us from our collective ennui by traveling across the Hudson to get us some real action vis-à-vis the Garden State. This week's "Real Housewives of New Jersey" featured continued fallout from the big Brothers-in-Law: Joe v. Joe fight at the christening, all set in the idyllic autumnal revelry known as Halloween. Note: there are a lot of Joes up in here. I don't even know how to tactfully discern one from the other. They're both Joe G. They both wear tight t-shirts. They both work or worked in construction. They both look juiced at all times. I'll work on this.The Manzo and Guidice clans break out their sharpest knives and pass them over to the kids for a little pumpkin carving action on a beautiful afternoon. Theresa recounts the fight at her nephew's christening, in which she slurred congratulations to her brother Joe and new Housewife Melissa, only for Joe to tell her to beat it. And then there was table pounding, and Theresa's husband Joe got involved, and suddenly the whole room seemed to be full of aggressive, short-of-stature Joes going at each other. Theresa blames the entire debacle on Melissa, saying that she is jealous of Theresa's cookbook stardom.Meanwhile, the other new Housewife, Kathy, and her bejeweled husband Rich invite Melissa and Joe over for dinner. "Bring a jaunty hat," the invitation must have read, because Melissa sports a beret and Joe has some sort of black skullcap on. Melissa explains that she was annoyed with Theresa for dancing with her son, who was just welcomed into the kingdom of heaven, for like, an hour. Joe explains that he just felt Theresa was being a faker. How does he know this? "I looked at her with my eyes," he explains. Joe says that Theresa ruined the relationship between himself and his slightly bloated doppelganger brother-in-law.Melissa and Kathy jet over to the apparent sole clothing store in town, Posche, where owner Kim D. has finagled her way into another season of minor reality stardom. Kim D. suggests that Melissa, whose fake jugs and overbronzed, skinny frame fits perfectly with the Posche look, should walk the runway in the upcoming show. Melissa debates this for all of half a second before gleefully accepting. Then waxy Kim G., instigator extraordinaire, shows up. After introducing herself to Melissa, she asks her what happened at the christening, eager for any chance to stir up trouble between strangers and her enemy Theresa. She doesn't like how Theresa keeps calling her an old bag, especially when Theresa "has a fat, crooked a--." And the battle lines are drawn.Suddenly, it's Halloween, which gives everyone the chance to look even more garish and clownish than your average Tuesday. Melissa takes her kids trick-or-treating in a puffy coat with leopard trim and tight jeans, her crispy hair topped with devil horns. This is her Devilish Posche Mom costume. But when she gets home, she has to change into a powder blue velour tracksuit to stuff the kids into their closets so the real fun can begin. Then before you know it, she has broken out her self-proclaimed "Sexy A-- Hot Cat Outfit" of black, tight leather head-to-toe. What does Joe decide to wear to accompany this Sexy A-- Hot Cat? Glad you asked. He dons a gold sequined dress, long dark wig and heels. It appears that he is dressed up as Theresa. Meanwhile, Theresa is dressed up in a pretty weak Supergirl costume. Her Kryptonite must be an English language dictionary. Her older girls are dressed as "rock stars" and the baby is, inexplicably, a gym teacher. Theresa's husband Joe is pretending to be a younger, solvent, virile Hugh Hefner. The Gorgas then hop on a party bus to a "hot club" because that's what adults with multiple kids do on Halloween, and for fun they bring along Kim D., dressed as "half a hooker, kind of," Kim G. as an older, sadder cat, and Kathy, who appears to be a Rastafarian from outer space.Before you know it, it's time for the Posche fashion show, which takes place at -- where else? -- the Manzo's Brownstone Party Palace, where everything happens in New Jersey. Jacqueline has a bit of a self-esteem complex this entire episode, complaining about how her navel now looks like a sad face when it used to look surprised all the time. She is nervous about walking in the fashion show, but fellow model Theresa reassures her that she'll do great. When Theresa arrives and sees Melissa getting her face shellacked on, she goes over to say hello like their husbands never tried to murder each other at that joyous family gathering a few weeks ago. Everyone models in the show, and not surprisingly, Jacqueline is goofy and awkward, Melissa prances around obnoxiously and Theresa makes her best (read: horrible) serious model faces. By the time the show is over, Theresa has had enough Malibu Bay Breezes that when Kathy approaches her and begins to chastise her for not apologizing to Melissa for the christening rumble, Theresa doesn't initially try to rip her bug eyes out. That only happens when Kathy implies that she had to move Theresa's children out of harm's way when the Joe brawl began. Caroline puts an end to these nonsensical shenanigans, and Kathy wonders if maybe she should have minded her own business. But Theresa, always the wiser, more mature person suggests appropriate decorum. "Bitch, show some class," she says. Everyone keep this in mind as you go about your business this week.


http://www.nypost.com/p/blogs/tvblog/the_real_housewives_all_new_jersey_EmgFPdh3nqEuflsAKp5LkI

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