DETAILS I REMEMBER FROM MY EROTIC DREAM ABOUT RACHEL:
1. She was wearing a sparkly dress.
2. She was extremely tall.
3. It took me awhile to notice the beige sedan parked beside us in my parents’ driveway.
4. The man in the passenger seat had his shirt unbuttoned. (Was it Bernard Henri-Levy???)
5. Rachel panicked when we realized the men in the sedan were cops.
6. She was fired from Big Brother for having an affair with a recapper.
7. I was fired from Big Brother recapping for having an affair with a contestant.
8. When I woke up, I worried that I was spending too much time thinking about Big Brother.
9. A deep and abiding shame was my companion for the week.
MAJOR DEVELOPMENTS THIS WEEK, ENDED WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS TO WHIP YOU INTO A FRENZY:
1. Cassi was evicted!
2. Rachel and Jeff had a fight!
3. Rachel won Head of Household!
4. Thursday’s live audio feed caught the sound of somebody urinating (Twitter says it was Rachel)!
5. My brother mailed me his old TiVo to make recapping easier!
6. The mouse in my kitchen continued to outwit my attempts to murder it! (Embarrassing Personal Secret No. 4!)