'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Freestyle for the Silver Metal

So much had changed since the semifinals ofDancing With the Stars season 13. I wasn't there, for one thing. Kirstie Alley, Maks, Val, and Hope Solo occupied the front row (in that order). The show was only an hour -- god forbid! And most significant of all: The COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY had moved from its perch up on Brookebot Mountain to its two-nights-only spot at the foot of the judges' table. Risky prize placement, I say. It would take only one unchecked lunge/lurch session by Bruce Jenner during a commercial break for our coveted MBT to have gone mysteriously missing.

I like to picture the mirrorball trophy migration happening overnight Sunday to Monday. It's about an eight-hour process, taking place when all the Sparkaliens are sleeping. As soon as It is sure no one is watching -- like the night janitor or Corky Ballas -- the MBT begins its journey, skimming the surface of Planet Mirrorballus ever so slowly, like the game piece of a Ouija Board. It is powered only by intrinsic duty, dust on the floor, and a last-ditch desire to see more of this sparkly orb for which It has been named and in whose likeness It has been cheaply manufactured. The Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime" faintly emits from the MBT's core, which turns out to just be a CD player. Read More...


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