The X Factor Recap: Wow. Phenomenal.

Between Mario Lopez, Khloe Kardashian, and Britney Spears, The X Factor is the world’s leading producer of fixed, joyless smiles. I am telling you: If something fun ever happens on this show, it’s an accident. A multi-billion-dollar accident that’s giving me epilepsy and making me resent songs.

Tonight, there’s another double elimination, and you have correctly guessed that it is going to be intense. As always, we begin with some stilted banter with the judges. Britney is wearing a hat low over her face, because if you had made "Scream & Shout" with Will.I.Am, you would too. (Incidentally, it is the No. 1 download on iTunes right now, so let’s all savor that fact.) Simon acknowledges that nobody knows who is going home and that the results will therefore be a surprise, so if you were wondering whether any of the judges were magic fortune-teller people, you can be assured that they are not. Let’s get on with this thing already. Read More...


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