Please grab a box of Franzia, and guzzle it even harder than Desiree Hartsock guzzled the milk from that innocent goat's udder. The Bachelor Season 17 finale is upon us, which means Sean Lowe
has finally come to the end of his spiritual love journey. Basically,
he's been enlightened, and we expect him to start wearing a white robe
and sandals any day now.
In case
you've suffered a momentary bout of amnesia brought on by asking your
boyfriend to shove you off a skyscraper (in a sexy way), Sean is
currently in Thailand with Lindsay Yenter and Catherine Giudici, and he has to decide who to marry. The obvious choice is Chris Harrison,
but apparently Chris and Sean's love affair isn't legal in most states.
But whatevs, Sean only has one rose left and it's BLOOMING.
A Family Affair
Sean
is in crisis. His daily routine consists of peering off the edge of
boats, talking to his monkey friends about bananas, trying not to drown
himself in a puddle, and gently braiding his chest hair. This hunk has
no idea whether to ask Catherine or Lindsay to marry him (ugh, his life
is so hard, we can't even), so he's forced to fly his family over to
Thailand so they can weigh in on his decision.
First,
Catherine meets Sean's fam-fam and bonds all over the place with Mama
Lowe, who basically wants to adopt her and give her a million
confederate flag shaped pillows. Join the club, lady. Oh, and then
Catherine brings Sean dad's to tears while he declares that he loves her
like a daughter. So many feelings, guys. We're even more emotional than
that time the Powers That Be stopped selling 3D Doritos and Squeezits —
aka The Apocalypse.
So, how does
Lindsay's meet and greet the The Family Lowe go? Here cheerful perkiness
and adorable dimples win over Sean's dad, but OH MY GOD IT DOESN'T EVEN
MATTER. Sean's mom hates everyone, and she doesn't want her son to
marry any of these
townies. Yep, this broad wants Sean to be a childless priest who whiles
away his life thinking about the good ol' days when he wasn't a virgin.
Side note: Sean spends this entire
episode barefoot. Do with that what you will. Unless you have a foot
fetish, in which case please don't.
Jungle Fever
To
quote Sean, "my mind never stops thinking." Gone are the innocent days
when this lost soul was tonguing his way through a sea of 27 ladies ––
now he has to actually marry one, which brings us to Lindsay. Sean takes
his main squeeze on a rafting trip so they can dish about their love,
wear imaginary goggles (we don't even know) and make out while some
innocent locals paddle them around and try not to vomit / go blind. But
then, guys? Then Sean and Lindsay get all crafty, make some balloons
which represent "family" and whatever, and send them off into the night
sky, presumably burning down half of Thailand's forests while doing so.
Also, Sean tells Lindsay that he can "picture her being a hot old
chick," and if that isn't code for "I love you," we don't know what is.
After
completing his final date with Lindsay, Sean decides to bond with
Catherine one last time before potentially wifing her, so they straddle
an innocent elephant and ride around Thailand. After they finish
violating the back of this tragic creature (who is clearly about to
collapse from the weight of Sean's biceps), Catherine and Sean daydream
about their future, and Catherine finally tells Sean that she loves him
over a romantic cluster of throw pillows. Unfortunately, Catherine is so
overwhelmed by the fact that Sean can't reciprocate her feelings that
she bursts into a fit of tears and faceplants on her bed in a fit of
sads.
Happily Ever After
The
time has come for Sean to massage himself with body oil, slip his
supple body into a suit, stand underneath an altar made of twigs (good
job, ABC interns), and ask one lucky lady to be his bride. First Sean
picks out a gorgeous cushion-cut diamond from Neil Lane, then he utters
the brilliant musing "I feel a feeling I've never felt before," and
finally he's ready to pop the question. The women of Sean's dreams? None
other than Catherine Guidici, who looks stunning-yet-traumatized in a
golden off-the-shoulder dress. Of course, first
Sean has to reject Lindsay, which is all kinds of awkward. As you might
expect, this poor girl breaks into a fit of hysterical sobs, and is
promptly carted away / presumably sacrificed to Thailand's monkey gods.
The
upside? Sean is finally ready to propose to Catherine! WAIT, nevermind,
because Chris Harrison emerges out of the forest and hands Sean a
hand-scrawled note from his bride-to-be, in which she drops the huge
bombshell that...oh, wait, this is basically just a love note.
Nevermind. If anything, Catherine's letter just reinforces Sean's
feelings for her, and after a beautiful proposal full of tears and
giggles, Sean slips a diamond ring on his lady's finger and they ride
off into the sunset on an elephant.
Us = DHSJADHSJAKDHSKJAD. Bye-bye forever, we need to go happy-cry from here to eternity.
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