I'm going to go ahead and state the obvious: Twilight fans are crazy. Okay, maybe not all of them -- I'm a fan myself, to some extent, and I like to think I've maintained a good portion of my sanity. You don't see me defying armed security and trampling people to the ground for an autograph, living in tents outside of premiere venues for the chance to attend, or planning sight-seeing trips to Forks, Washington. And I certainly don't have any merchandise, save for my standard Team Jacob t-shirt (which I wear only to the movie screenings, mind you!), my humble collection of every magazine cover Taylor Lautner has ever been on, and the Wolf Pack poster my mom put in my Easter basket last year (which I so didn't hang on my wall... yet). What am I saying? We are all totally cray-cray. Don't get me wrong, I love the fandom. After all, for the most part, Twilight boasts just about the most passionate fans around... possibly ever. And the more passionate the fans, the harder it is for its stars to live normal lives, the longer the lines are at the midnight showings, and the creepier the merchandise gets. In fact, unless you're an avid collector of all things vampire-related, you may have no idea just how weird some Twilight merchandise is. So without further ado, here is your rude awakening:
1. Twilight "Barbies"
Now available in Edward, Bella, and Princess Jasmine.
2. Life-Size Body Pillows
Now you can cuddle with Jacob or Edward (or both, like this lucky girl in the photo) in your very own bed. The only catch is that the Sharpie-drawn faces don't actually look even remotely like Edward or Jacob, and their stuffed body proportions are more accurate to that of Gumby than the vampire or werewolf of your dreams. Unfortunately, it's still the closest thing you'll get to having R-Pattz in your bed. Well, except for --
3. Edward Duvet Cover
Edward refuses to destroy your soul, according to the poetic quote emblazoned on this incredibly creepy duvet cover, but apparently he has no problem completely annihilating your chance of a sex life by lurking on your linens.
4. Twilight Condoms
Need I say more? Don't ask me if the condom itself is Twilight-themed, beyond the festive wrapper. I can't even begin to fathom the possibilities...
5. Jacob & Edward Popsicles
Italian ice cream manufacturer Sanson has released Jacob and Edward themed popsicles. Delicious? While there's something automatically disturbing about popsicles inspired by sex symbols, I'll try to keep things PG-13. Okay, so I understand why Jacob's is a paw print (ha, ha), but I'm dying to know what exactly about Edward lends inspiration to strawberry lemonade or pina colada, or whatever the heck his flavor is supposed to be?! Someone who reads Italian, please get to the bottom of this.
6. Life-Size Cardboard Cut-Outs
I can't decide what's more disturbing: the fact that someone would actually want to have these in their home, or the fact that the Jacob one is wearing a shirt. Inaccurate!
7. Edward Cullen Silhouette Wall Decal
If having a life-size cardboard version of Edward Cullen residing in your home wasn't weird enough, this silhouette wall decal takes things to a whole new level of creepy. I mean, first of all, when he's just a silhouette, you can't tell if it's supposed to be Edward Cullen or Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. And secondly, how does waking up in the middle of the night to the shadow of a strange man on your wall make you feel safe of all things?!
8. Edward Cullen Underwear
Yes, that's Edward Cullen's best Zoolander impression, screen-printed right on your crotch. What. The. #@$%?
Heard of any other creepy merchandise that didn't make the list? Do you own any of it? Don't be shy! Share below!