If only I had Three hands I'd give this show three middle fingers

After having suffered brain damage from previous viewings I couldn't risk watching the latest (rendition of 12 Angry Men) episode. But I can guess.


The Col. cast as the idiot, oops I mean hero, let his room be searched. Thhey found a gun on a ship with lots of guns. And somehow know it and no other gun was the murder weapon. Crazy trial ensues complete with carbon copy characters from that play, what was it called (12 angry men) in triplicate (quick original ideas need CPR) because that's what passes for drama.


But of course that alone isn't enough to make you stupid. No there has to be some off world escapade, Rush will be a dick, Eli will be useless and exhibit no common sense or loyalty (in a "real" world that shit bites you in the arse) while mooning over that girl ( who's name I can't remember). My head hurts just thinking about it.


Ten reasons this show sucks:


1. The characters. Yes all of them.


2. The emotions. Okay, this isn't supposed to replace Galactic, I get that. But Galactic was grittier and real. People loved it. Si Fi said lets do it again.... and this time we're going to really give viewers what they want: Cheese, stereotypes, melodrama, and the kitchen sink. This show has it's moments. My favorite was when the Press agent was trying to manipulate herself onto the shuttle. The dialogue was spot on. But I haven't seen that person again. Instead she's been cast as an IOA patsy. The scene when she returned to earth and conspired with her boss to start a "third camp" was typical SG1 cheese. Aside from that, there are only two emotions represented. Anger and out rage.


3. Technology more advanced than the the previous SG programs on the oldest ship. Head desk.


4. Stupid plot elements like: Lets risk life and limb for the equivalent of 100 gallons of water when there's thirty people on the ship. And obviously after the "drama" of collecting the water which involved a harrowing (I'm being sarcastic) fall through the ice (like we didn't see it coming) water is no longer an issue. And lets not forget the Col. with his "I won't leave you behind" cheesy bs. If this was a real emotional show, the Col. would have returned to the ship and wrestled with leaving the guy behind.


5. Creating asshole characters for no reason. In the Original series the bad guys were just bad, even when they were human. But this is billed as a more "real" show. Would a high ranking officer really risk his career sleeping with the Colonial's wife? And to what end? A plot element like this needs to further the story. Right now the only purpose it servers is an example of the "struggle" of a main character. This show is loaded with over the top (BS) struggles.


6. Intelligent alien life forms who are stupid enough to go into a locked barrel and too dumb to go back through the gate which is still open after being dumped in ice. Looking forward to see much more of that. (Actually I would if they'd just make this a cheesy show. What I can't stand is all crap dumped on top of the cheese. It's like a eating crackers and cheese wiz topped with excrement. Yummy)


7. The hero who wants to be heroic, while pretending this is some strong character trait. I've always hated the captain dashing off to play hero while leaving the crew the fend for itself. It's stupid. The Col. is cast as leader, and as such needs to behave like one. Right now he's a douche`.


" Someone else less important should go."

"I won't having others risk their lives."

"We need you here."

"I must go because (I'm a douche) I won't let anyone else risk their lives."


Umm Col. they army pays you to send soldiers off to get killed. By the time you achieve your rank I'd think you'd know that.


8. The writing.


Whenever there's an opportunity to have real complication and real emotions the writer/director/producer (Idiot in Charge) chooses cheese topped with excrement. For example: Eli discovers Rush lied about a planet that will allow them to go home. Reaching the planet will take a year and it the lie boosts morale. In an emotional show, the pros and cons would be weighed. The plot line would further the show. But that doesn't happen hear. Eli, too dumb to consider using this information to his advantage (and is loyalty to rush or the Col. fluctuates on a whim) reveals Rush's lie to the Col.The press agent overhears this news (she's cast in the role of skilled manipulator) and immediately tells the whole ship. To see why this is so stupid lets look at "Glee" (forgive me). In Glee the Shooster's wife lies about being pregnant. This and other plot elements are played out through each episode. Covering the lie is used to further the story, and even though all is revealed in the season finale the the show is anything but "wrapped up." But that's just was SG Universe does. They wrap up every nasty detail quickly so each episode is self contained. (Much like the previous SG shows.) The "struggle" that connects each story is more like a check list: oxygen crisis, water crisis, energy crisis, alien crisis, murder crisis. The story lines they do keep aren't really lines at all- Rush is dick. That's a character trait, not plot. Imagine how Galactica would have been different if all those messy details were wrapped up at the end of each episode and all you had to link the segments were the personalities? This week Starbuck risks her life. Next Week Apollo takes charge. Tune in to watch the chee


9. The "Wrong" people theme makes me want to gag. This was supposed to be a gripping emotional trigger. Instead it plays out like a faked epileptic seizure by an angst ridden teenager.


10. The "first shoot" special effects. This is like that story you're Uncle tells every holiday, completely unaware (even though he's been told) he's the only one who still finds it interesting.

Comments

10 comments

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Dec 9, 2009 9:36PM EST

Wow, that's hatered.
I don't disagree with you on some points but neither do I agree.
The show is more realistic than the previous SG series (Atlantis, SG1, movies included).
The fact that there is an emotional side to the show isn't a bad thing either, they are in a tough situation. I hope to see more on each character's background in the second season (I hope the show get's picked up for another).
Rush is a quality character (bad traits included)...Young has his 'boring' moments, but with what we saw on the last episode I think things might be changing course for him on a moral level.
Out of 10 I give the show 6 and 1/2.

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RachelLEditor
Dec 10, 2009 8:32PM EST

I was never into the Stargate franchise at all so I had no interest in even giving it a shot...but this was hilarious :-). Nice work!

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Dec 11, 2009 9:24AM EST

I updated this because it didn't quite say what I wanted it to. The ideas are essentially the same.

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Dec 13, 2009 12:28AM EST

Funny and lots of people agree with you that the show sucks.

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Dec 13, 2009 5:37PM EST

especially everyone active at

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Dec 15, 2009 9:14PM EST

I absolutely, completely agree with everything you just said...
And thanks for making me laugh! xD

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Dec 16, 2009 12:02AM EST

I really like the previous Stargate Series...but this, I have to agree with Sarh72! As of right now I haven't watched the season finale, and I really have little interest in watching season 2 when it starts.
I mean the premise was really cool! But the drama is way too much, what ever happened to the subtextual humour and narrow escapes and the feel good witty comebacks.
Hehe, Stargate Atlantis was really awesome with that!!
Hmm...unless Stargate Universe bring back some of the magic from its predecassors, I've about lost interest!

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Dec 24, 2009 10:51PM EST

Well I certainly understand every point you made, and I agree with a great deal of them. With that said I will hold off on judgment for now. I want to see how they proceed without Rush. Though in truth I may be a glutton for pain and stupidity. In truth I just want to see if they can bring this crap around. Hell I hope they do, it would suck to know that Atlantis got canned for this(show).

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Jan 1, 2010 7:25AM EST

I absolutely, 100% agree. I watched the first three episodes, and then I could NOT stand it. I couldn't take any more. From what I hear, I'm glad I stopped.
The reason? I hated the characters. No, not just some of them. I hated ALL of them. Every last one.
They were flat, and boring, and they were all idiots. Most of them were cookie-cutter characters.
I can't remember names because I DIDN'T GIVE A FLYING FRAK about the characters for the full three episodes I watched. But I can describe a few of them.
The hacker/computer whiz/hacker kid was an obvious attempt to pander to the young audiences, myself included. I was insulted that such a boring, whiny, socially inept moron was supposed to appeal to my age group. Showed that the producers obviously think that we're going to drool and say, "Ooh, a guy with l33t skillz! This must be a good show!"
The doctor guy who sends them all to god-knows-where when the base is under attack. What the frak!? I'm surprised they didn't kill him when they found out how badly he had frakked them over. Instead they declare him philosopher-king of their defunct little society of cookie-cutter characters. He's a scientist who doesn't seem to know how to be a human. I bet he "learns" later on just what it means to feel.
The young military guy.... Look, this character was so incredibly boring and so completely devoid of any originality or value that I could FEEL my brain dying every time he was on screen. Of COURSE he'd wind up being in charge of things (at least for a while), and of COURSE he'd have a hard time. Of COURSE, he would dig deep and find that secret well of leadership. And his leadership would give him super-strength or whatever.
The women were attractive, and were simply there to appeal to the portion of my 18-29 year-old population that didn't find "l33t skillz" on a fat guy worth watching. The women were attractive, no doubt (feel free to disagree), and entirely devoid of real personality or genuine worth. If I want to look at attractive women without personalities, I can do something that doesn't involve watching this show.
As for the "emotional side"? Don't, don't, don't.... Please, just don't....
Watch Babylon 5 all the way through. Watch Farscape all the way through. Watch Battlestar Galactica all the way through. THEN talk to me about emotional impact.
For the record, I enjoyed Stargate SG-1 until O'Neill left. I enjoyed Stargate Atlantis (especially towards the end when the show really started to hit its stride). I cried when Carson died. I watched Rodney McKay evolved. He was a good guy; I knew that, but watching his evolution was fun.
So I was excited for Stargate Universe, hoping it might fill the void left by Battlestar Galactica. I wasn't expecting something as good as BSG. But I was hoping for something entertaining.
Instead I got SGU. The idea has so much promise, and in the hands of MODERATELY COMPETENT writers/directors/producers, it would have been good, perhaps it could have been great.
I KNOW these people are good actors. (At least, some of them are.) But clearly the writers can't create true living, breathing emotional characters to save their lives. And the directors can't get dialogue to sound real (granted, the TERRIBLE writing is in part to blame for that). And the producers can't tell the difference between good and bad.
To conclude:
*Comic Book Guy Voice* "Worst... television show... ever."

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Jan 3, 2010 6:53PM EST

OMG General , fantastic review, no really. I'm being so serious here. I loved BSG and it is true every show you named for emotion was spot on. But honestly SGU has a great idea behind it, maybe they'll fire the writers, don't laugh it's happened before and maybe they will bring this around. I seriously hope so, since this is what we have for Sci Fi at the moment. It's not too late they got picked up for one more season.
BTW Farscape was so damn good, thanks for reminding me, I gotta go buy the complete series.
Signed,Disgruntled but hopeful viewer.

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