Year in Review: Top 10 Favorite Comedy Quotes - Featured

This has been a strong year for comedies, so with so many hilarious things being said on our TVs week to week, we figured we should end the year jiggling like bowls full jelly with an list of some of our favorites!


Glee - Season 1 Episode 8, 'Mash-Up'

Kurt: He's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.



Modern Family - Season 1 Episode 9, 'Fizbo'

Cam: What would you suggest we give him then?

Mitchell: Get him a gift card.

Cam: A gift card?! Who hurt you?


The Office - Season 6 Episode 7, 'The Lover'

Pam: Michael. Let me make this very easy for you. I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. STOP DATING MY MOTHER!

Michael: You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder.


30 Rock - Season 3 Episode 10, 'Generalissimo'

Liz Lemon: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say 'oh it's the wrong night' and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth.


Parks & Recreation - Season 2, Episode 11, 'Tom's Divorce'

Leslie Knope: I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each others' wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.


Family Guy - Season 7 Episode 7, 'Ocean's Three and a Half'

Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? Little four minute movie that tells the story of a...

Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.


Curb Your Enthusiasm - Season 7 Episode 1, 'Funkhouser's Crazy Sister'

Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.


How I Met Your Mother - Season 4 Episode 20 'Mosbius Designs'

Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...

Marshall: I KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!


Chuck: Season 2 Episode 15, 'Chuck Versus the Beefcake'

Casey: What happened?

Chuck: Well, I fainted and hit my head on the ground.

Casey: Real brave, Bartowski.

Chuck: I fainted on purpose--that was my move. You know I'm terrified of needles.

Casey: So your move was to faint, and his was to endure torture.

Chuck: We have different methods.

Casey: Looks like his method is working.


Bored to Death - 'The Case of the Missing Screenplay'

Leah: I don't feel good about this. I don't want you to be a sperm donor.

Ray: But it's flattering. They're fans of my work. I've never had lesbian fans before.

Leah: They should go to a sperm bank. You can't just give your sperm to two girls you met in a cafe.

Ray: I met you in a cafe.




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Dec 28, 2009 8:15PM EST

That's gotta be one of my favorite Glee quotes, along with "You look like a sad clown hooker."

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Dec 28, 2009 9:31PM EST

Community is full of one liners
Abed to Jeff about his film: "You can play my father"
Jeff "I don't want to be your father"
Abed "Oh good, you already know your lines."

Dr. Ian Duncan: I'm a Professor you can't talk to me like that
Jeff: A six year old girl could talk to you that way
Dr.Duncan: Yes, cause that would be adorable
Jeff: No, cause you're a five year old girl, and there's a pecking order

Pierce Hawthorn: Hey, I am a promient business leader and a highly sort after dinner guest and I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy.

Pierce to Vaughn about him stealing the credit for their song: "Are you trying to Garfunkel me?"
Vaughan: "Maybe; assuming to Garfunkel someone means to put up with them even though they're a fat lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and and eats all the lasagna."

Pierce to Jeff about their Spanish Project: "Tell me what we have so far"
Jeff: "Well we have something incredibly long, and very confusing, and a little homophobic, and really really specifically surprising and gratuidously critical of Isreal. And you called it two conqistadors, probably should be dos considering it is a spanish class, which reminds me, the only thing this epic doesn't contain are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.
Pierce: "You're right, it needs more work"

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Dec 28, 2009 9:38PM EST

Pam: Michael. Let me make this very easy for you. I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. STOP DATING MY MOTHER!
Michael: You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder.

Thats great!But it continues , and is even funnierPam: What do you mean?Michael: You know excatly what I mean

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Dec 28, 2009 9:51PM EST

OMG HOW COULD YOU NOT ADD THIS?!Glee:Puck: Dude, I had sex with your mom. No seriously, I cleaned your pool, then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets by the way.

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Dec 29, 2009 8:00AM EST

Sue Sylvester:"I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face."
I never laughed so hard.

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Dec 29, 2009 7:49PM EST

How can there be no californication quote at all! those are the best eva!

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Dec 29, 2009 8:16PM EST

@JefN I haven't gotten in to Californication, so sorry I wasn't able to throw one in there! Do you have a fav?

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Dec 30, 2009 1:58AM EST

How about Castle Holloween episode? There were some kick ass one liners in there.

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Jan 3, 2010 11:10PM EST

Seriously? BigBang Theory did not make the cut?Check these out:
Sheldon: Howard?Howard: Yeah?Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?Howard: What?Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.
Sheldon: Why are you crying?Penny: Because I'm stupid!Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
Sheldon: Great news, my mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.Leonard: Terrific!Sheldon: You know what this means don't you? Break out the redbull it's time to rock Mario old school

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Jan 4, 2010 11:07AM EST

"I am not crazy, my mother had me tested."​ Sheldon, The Big Bang TheoryWhat about Psych? I dont know any right now, but i am sure there are quite some :)

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Jan 6, 2010 12:15AM EST

I find Glee funnier every time I see it.
Finn - "That weed's not mine Mr. Schuester, I'll pee in a cup! ...I'll pee!"
Puck - "That Rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire, but she can sing"
Kurt - (To Rachel) "Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this room. Which looks like where Holly Hobby and Strawberry Shortcake go to make out."
And of course, anything by Jane Lynch"You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR.""Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen dead bodies limed and rotting beneath the floor boards.."
And, I agree, Sheldon Cooper cracks me up on a regular basis.

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