Last time on Gossip Girl: Georgina found Jesus, Serena found out Gabriel is a dirty rotten grifter, Rufus found a dirty old ring to put on Lily's hand in marriage, and Nate found an apartment that he wants to live in with Blair. You're caught up.
We open on Chuck and Georgina taking a taxi back to the city when Serena calls and tells him that Gabriel left town with All The Money from his African WiFi scam. Chuck drinks from his flask and offers some to Georgina, who says her body is a temple for only Jesus to enter, and Chuck says he likes to be the one "entering" bodies and "to each his own holy water," and the parade of offensive-and-shocking-because-of-how-bad-they-are misappropriated Christian metaphors begins.
Serena goes home. She says to her mother, "I need to tell you something about that guy Gabriel whom you gave All The Money to," but Lily says, "Oh wait, before you tell me something important about ATM, I need to give you a bracelet for all your great jobs getting into college and not getting arrested or killing anyone lately, and also high-five you for snagging your super awesome capitalist boyfriend Gabriel," because that's how Moms talk to daughters who have "Uh Oh" written all over their faces. So Serena doesn't tell Lily about ATM being gone because she wants to keep the bracelet and they're all late for brunch (oh no!) or something. So instead she calls Blair for help.
Blair uses the call to run away from the conversation with Nate about moving in together. Nate insists on coming along to Serena's. When you're worried about your girlfriend dumping you for your best friend, it's a great idea to smother her and not take a hint when she literally jumps out of a cab and tries to ditch you in the streets. Love means never having to let her out of your sights, and then just standing there when she tells other people she doesn't want you around.
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