Kate Gosselin says she regrets berating and bossing around her estranged husband, Jon, on episodes of Jon & Kate plus 8, conceding she was "wrong to treat him that way."
"I was very hard on him and I would never deny that," Gosselin told Natalie Morales on Monday's TLC special Kate: Her Story. "I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders."
The matriarch was often captured chewing out her husband on the early seasons of the show and says critics were right "to a degree" that she emasculated him. "Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No," she said. "Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No."
Gosselin said she doesn't have much sympathy for her ex, though, when it comes to his grievances about missing out on his youth because he became a father at 23. "I think once you become a parent, it's too late to worry about what should've, could've, would've been done," she said.
Things between the couple got bad "so quickly," the 34-year-old said, noting that their goals and visions had changed. She said she knew they were over on a plane flying home, but did not specify when. "I remember thinking, 'We're not going to recover from this," she said. "At the end of the day, I looked at him and he looked at me, and we were just completely different people."
She added, "I still wake up every day, and I think the phone will ring and it'll be the old Jon."
Addressing reports of infidelity, Gosselin said it's "disgusting" Jon suggested she was having an affair with her bodyguard, Steve Nield, whom she travels with because "people have a lot of contempt and hate for me and at the end of the day, I need to come home safely to my kids."
As for Jon's personal life, Gosselin said his relationship with Hailey Glassman is "another one of the things that I am dealing with." The women met once a few years ago for two minutes when Gosselin received a free tummy tuck from Glassman's father, Dr. Lawrence Glassman.
Gosselin said she understands Glassman's claims that Jon is emotionally abusive. "I know that he has a lot of anger."
Gosselin maintains their reality show did not cause the pair's split, but said the series has been a blessing - as it provides a source of income - and a curse because of "all the negativity out there." Despite the relentless media scrutiny and a "hate-hate" relationship with the paparazzi, she won't step out of the spotlight.
"We're too far gone," she said. "Stepping out of the spotlight when it's prudent to do so is a good thing. ... I would go back and do [the show] again."