Considering I've already dedicated my entire weekly column to everything reality-related (check out the rest on our Reel Critics page), and I certainly don't hold back when it comes to my opinions on current shows (TMI status sometimes), you'd think there wouldn't be much left unsaid. And you'd think it would be embarrassing enough that I openly admit to watching (and enjoying) things like The Hills, Jersey Shore, and For the Love of Ray J... but there actually are some things I haven't shared with you guys yet. As a result, I've decided to do something a little different with this week's Reality Rant. I don't know if it's the fact that all of my favorite more "quality" shows are coming to a close and I'm slowly going crazy, or maybe someone spiked my coffee this morning, but I think I'm ready to come clean with some reality-centric confessions. Without further ado, here are my top 8 most embarrassing reality TV secrets, in no particular order:
1. I have a crush on Kenny. You know, from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge? He's tall, looks like he could roll with the crew from Jersey Shore, and is just about the biggest jerk in the show's history (which is quite the accomplishment). I know, it's terrible! I think I must have had some kind of suggestive dream about him & ever since then I haven't been able to watch Fresh Meat II with the same kind of disgust I once had for the d-bags on that show. Maybe it's because he wins at everything. Or maybe it's because he has a secret sweet side that comes out for an entire 2 minutes every season. Or maybe it's because he's shirtless, like, all the time. Yeah, that's probably it.
2. Sometimes I try to recreate America's Next Top Model poses in my own pictures. I'm no model, obviously, but I like to pretend. I mean, every once in awhile there's a ridiculously fierce picture at panel, and I get kind of jealous. Why can't I be that inventive? So occasionally I like to spice up my party pics by throwing in a little Caridee flavor instead of my usual "cheese!" Or, in the case of this interesting shot, some McKey influence. Hey, I didn't say I was good at it...
3. I want to be friends with the people on Jersey Shore. Seriously. Aside from the apparent need to get into fights at bars (can't we all just get along?), I think we would really hit it off. I like house music, I like to tan, I like to pretend I'm more Italian than my last name implies, I like to tease my hair, and I like to eat processed ham after a long night of drinking. Snooki and I could swap secrets on how to best construct the perfect pouf, and J-Woww could make me one of those really sweet boob-slings she's always wearing.
4. I miss Samantha Harris. Like I mentioned in my last post regarding the most annoying things about this season's reality TV, Brooke Burke is pretty terrible so far in her new job as Dancing with the Stars cohost. I hate to keep beating the dead horse (figuratively speaking, of course), but I never thought she'd be so bad that I'd actually ever miss Samantha Harris. Yeah, Sam was terrible too, but at least she was consistent. Her overenthusiastic persona, her long clumsy arms, her stupid mess-ups like when she would constantly hold out the microphone for sign language speaker Marlee Matlin... I mean, you can't just replace a bad thing with a worse thing.
5. I want to be on The Real World. For reals. This has been a semi-secret dream of mine for awhile, and my biological clock is ticking! But really, I think I would be really awesome. Everyone in the house would like, totally be my BFF, and then every night I'd dash up to the Confessional & be like "No. Real talk -- these fools are crazy." I wouldn't say that I would be fake, exactly, it's just what you gotta do to survive in a made-for-TV household! Of course, I'd also be the one roommate that gets ripped a new a-hole at the end-of-season reunion, which is probably one of the many reasons holding me back... aside from the fact that I haven't yet been inspired enough to create a winning audition tape. I'm open to suggestions!
6. I'm excited for the next season of Dating in the Dark. Yes! It's coming back this summer! Have you seen that show? It's just about as kitschy and lame as gimmicky reality shows get, but it's too funny not to check out. It takes blind dating to a whole new level of fawkward -- fumbling in pitch blackness to feel out facial features, darkroom making out, looks of pure disappointment when their dates are finally revealed in the light of day = SO much more good stuff to come!
7. I love Spencer. Not love love, of course, but he is definitely my favorite character on The Hills. Why on EARTH is that, you ask? Well, it's because he's the only person in the cast that seems to know that the entire show is a total joke. He totally knows what he's doing, as completely psychotic and pathetic as it is, and it's hilarious to watch. He's the only one that doesn't take it seriously, because the show is NOT REAL, and he knows how to give the audience what they want. If that involves a lot of hooting and hollering, crystal-worshipping, and more of his famous flesh beard, then so be it!
8. I am going through Vh1/_television/genres/mtv dating show withdrawals. Ummmm Rock of Love? Daisy of Love? Double Shot at Love? Flavor of Love? Real Chance of Love? For the Love of Ray J? I Love New York? My Antonio?!?! Yes, I've watched them all, & yes, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that there isn't anything remotely similar to these shows in the upcoming summer schedule (aside from The Bachelorette, but that's neither fun nor trashy enough to satisfy me)!
Do you have any embarrassing TV confessions to get off your chest? Share below in comments!