'The Bachelor' Recap: The dream of a fairly decent man

On this week's Bachelor, everything sucks. Also, if you think you might need a helicopter rental, it's better to just go for the weekly rate. Let's recap!As the show opens, we learn that Michelle woke up with a black eye. All across America, women cheer. Maybe someone gave it to her for her birthday. This, of course, is the kind of non-drama that makes Michelle who she is: a desperate, whiny, spin-off wannabe. No one knows or cares why this happened, but it is fun imagining one of the girls (probably Chantal) poking her in the eye with a Derma Wand in the middle of the night. It is somehow not surprising to learn that Chantal gets the first solo date with dogface stud DoberBrad this week. Chantal and DoberBrad fly off in a helicopter to Catalina Island, where they board a boat for their "love is deep" date. Chantal stuffs her fun bags into a wetsuit, straps on a giant windowed helmet and sinks to the bottom of the ocean with DoberBrad. While she wasn't excited about this activity, she admits it was pretty fun down there in the murky depths with DoberBrad. They even share an oversized helmet kiss. Later they have a beach campout, since Brad brings a bed with him wherever he goes. Chantal tells him that she's scared because of how things didn’t work out with her ex-husband, Mr. O. She wants kids and partner, and DoberBrad completely agrees, because it is their job to act as though they are there for the "right reasons." Chantal tells him that she regrets having slapped him the first time they met. DoberBrad doesn't mind. It's not like she shoved his face into a pile of excrement.But now it is time for DoberBrad's group date, so they head off to the Loveline radio show hosted by everyone's favorite TV group sex and group addiction specialist, Dr. Drew, and some other guy who is not Adam Carolla. The point of this date was to reveal all sorts of things about the girls, but all we really learn is that Stacey was dumb enough to date someone seriously in college and that the Ashleys (both of them!) are completely off the reservation. Ashley the Dentist, in particular, keeps muttering how much it sucks that Brad is making connections with so many of the girls, as though that's not the point of the show. After the activity portion of the date, it's time for the part where Brad tries to talk to and make out with each girl for no longer than two minutes before another one busts up the party. Meanwhile, the other girls sit around a hot tub in their bikinis. Everyone, that is, except for Lindsay, who apparently forgot to pack a suit, but that's probably for the best since she looks a little too much like a very pretty Owen Wilson. Britt is the big winner this night, scoring both a kiss and the rose. Read More...



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