'Jersey Shore' recap: Gorilla Tears

O you who turn the wheel and look to windward, consider Ronnie, who was once handsome and tall as you. If we're going purely on looks, Ronnie is the exact personification of what we talk about when we talk about Jersey Shore. To say that he is a strong man would be an understatement. To say that he could rip the head off an angry tiger while boxing Ivan Drago would be an understatement. To say that he could head-butt a blue whale into submission and make it his pet -- well, that sounds about right. Ronnie resembles a Panzer tank that wished upon a star and became a real boy. Scientists of the future will spend decades trying to reverse-engineer Ronnie's shoulder muscles. Back in season 1, when the rest of the castmates were relatively normal-sized -- before everyone looked like end-of-level bosses from Double Dragon -- Ronnie was already a walking mass of muscle. He set the pace, and everyone else has been trying to catch up. I would guess that when the Situation sleeps, he dreams about being Ronnie. Read More...



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