'Survivor' recap: Oh My God!

Here's a list of things I am bad at: penmanship, dancing, cleaning, spelling, remembering my wife's half-birthday (because that is an absurd thing to have to remember), arts and crafts, performing Sir-Mix-a-Lot karaoke, gaining weight, leaving coherent voice mail messages, writing recaps in the voice of Jimmy T., not puking on boats, and anything involving even an iota of patience. It's a partial list, really. I could go on forever. I suck at a lot of stuff.

Unlike Matt. Matt seems like a great guy with a lot going for him in life. In fact, if you were going to construct a list of things that Matt is bad at, there would be only one item on it — playingSurvivor.  Look, he’ll tell you himself: "Apparently, I'm just not very good at this game of Survivor." See! And it's not just that you're not very good, Matt. You're really, really bad. First you get way too cuddly with the hot blond and give Rob cause to vote you out. Then you get back in the game, and run right back to the person that engineered your ouster. And not only do you run back to him, but you tell him how much the other tribe loves you and wants to steal you away! See, this isn't God's will at play here, Matt, This is your will to be a big dummy in oversharing information. I get that you were perhaps in something of a no-win situation — the low man in either alliance — but you have to play the hand of cards you were dealt better than that. And now, even with all my reservations about what Redemption Island has done to the dampen the drama at the end of each episode, and the news that it will be continuing past the merge, I have to admit, the only thing that could make that twist extension worthwhile would be seeing you battle your way back again, only to get voted out a third time by Boston Rob. It's like Kenny on South Park: keep bringing Matt back just to see him get killed off in new and exciting ways. I'm sorry, Matt. I don’t mean to laugh, but seriously, what else do you expect me to do?!? Read More...



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