The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Sad Songs Say So Much

Real Housewives of New Jersey's Gia takes a heartbreaking solo.

Tonight’s episode falls on September 11, which is fitting because our country’s colors don’t run, and neither do most of the people in this cast. But before we’re off to the "Cupid’s Chase 5K," the producers treat us to a slo-mo flashback of Joe Giudice’s tooth hitting the foyer stonework, complete with brutal chipping sound. There is only one sound more brutal in this episode, and that will be Gia’s quasi-vibrato as she sings her song about her mom’s relationship with her uncle. Juicy’s ringing tooth chip may have me wincing, but by the end of the hour, Gia has both of my hands pressed to the sides of my face like I’m Macaulay Culkin and her excruciating lyrics are the aftershave.

But we’ve got to work our way up to that level of pain.

If a box on Jeopardy read "To help people with disabilities," and you buzzed in with "Why are the housewives doing this 5K?" then you would have just lost yourself hundreds of dollars. According to Jacqueline, she’s walking to get hot before the group takes off for their trip to Punta Cana. Because nothing gives you a hard bod like taking a half-assed stroll for 50 minutes. Before the day of the race, Teresa comes over to Jacqueline’s wearing a pink fur shrug (someone needs to start a race to raise awareness for all these mythical creatures she’s been skinning!), and tells her and Caroline that Milania’s birthday party is around the corner. Teresa wants the Gorgas and the Giudices to be in the same room together, because if everyone doesn’t recognize Milania’s special day, then the kid’s head will pop open and the megalomaniac alien that lives inside will rise and obliterate Franklin Lakes with its telepathic death beam. Oh … sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who on Netflix. It’s more that Teresa wants everyone to be together, so Caroline instructs her to call Melissa right then and there so that these two hens can listen in. Read More...


Want to comment on this? First, you must log in to your SideReel account!