American Horror Story Finale Recap: Merry Ghostmas

Oh, hi, I didn't see you there. I've been too busy trying to come up with a new hobby to fill the gaping void that will be left until the next season of AHS. Quick: What's a hobby that's equal parts ridiculous and macabre? Running at a cemetery for clowns? Kitten fight club? The New Girl? I just want the picture of Dylan McDermott's cry-masturbating to stay as vivid as it was the first time I saw it. As Rosie O'Donnell said in Sleepless in Seattle, "Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories."

Okay. Deep breath. It's our (squeeze my hand if you need to) LAST FLASHBACK OF THE SEASON, and it's a mere nine months ago.

Ben and Viv are in their place in Boston, and he's trying to convince her to come to Los Angeles, where they'll make a fresh start. Viv, however, is determined to take Violet to her sister's, in Florida. Ben's like, "Ugh, Florida?" It's like, does she KNOW that people down there will just shoot a McDonald's employee for being out of McGriddles?

Ben shows her a picture of Murder House on his iPad (why haven't we seen this before? Is it product placement? Next season, will we find out that ghosts love Snapple?). Apparently Viv does not live in New York because she doesn't take off her clothes as soon as Ben is like, "wood burning fireplace." We're treated to 1.21 bajillion jiggawatts of a few flash-forwards with flashbacks (Ben's fedora! Baby Farms looking even baby-er! The dog! For the love of god, the dog!). Ben is reeeeeeallly trying to sell her on the place, and you know what? I think he missed his calling as a Realtor. I mean, duh, an obese cross-eyed tabby in a novelty mortarboard would make a better psychotherapist than Ben, but he really makes Murder House seem like Downton Abbey. Read More...


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