The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Age-Appropriate Muumuus

Aloha, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans! How was your holiday? Mine was pretty good. Thank you for asking! So. Shall we dive into the ocean together? Or, more specifically, shall we get to last night’s episode? Otherwise we might vex the dolphins of Lanai further.

The episode began where the last one left off, pre-break — when Kyle held a White Party for no reason and lost her shit after she told Taylor and Russell to go away on her lawn. And because the producers of this fine program had the foresight to install a camera in the back of Taylor and Russell’s limo, we got an insight into the Armstrongs’ scintillating, not at all canned, phony, and awkward post-lawn-rejection banter. "We could go back to Vegas," Russell surmised, before both agreed about Camille having exaggerated the abuse claims Taylor made. And as Taylor pouted, her cavernous face weighed down all of its remaining mass with emotion and giant peacock earrings, and one of her tiny, silver dollar pancake breasts cleaved out of the evening gown she bought at Buy Buy Baby only to need it taken in around the diaper area. It was all pretty hideous, and the only time we came close to any sort of realness was when Taylor said something about how maybe Russell shouldn’t have sent that threatening e-mail, and Russell shot her down, and then there was more pouting, and, thank God, we were done looking at Taylor until later in the episode, when that sockless Osteopath, who has a new chyron credit so he can seem more qualified to dispense therapeutic advice, pointed out that Russell didn’t seem to care whether he was affecting Taylor’s friendships when he sent Camille that e-mail. And that therapy session was such horseshit because, first of all, yes. The guy from Celebrity Rehab who also happens to be the Director of Osteopathy somewhere is not a real shrink, because with the exception of Michael Fassbender as Karl Jung in the major motion picture A Dangerous Method, there are no respected psychiatrists who consent to cameras in their sessions.  A side note about A Dangerous Method: that was bullshit that we didn’t get to see Fassbender’s cock. I know NOW that he’s naked in Shame, not ADM. So, I endured two hours of Keira Knightley going "Full Retard," and for what exactly? A conversation about anal fixation? No to the thanks. I could peruse Bareback Brotherhood message boards if I wanted that kind of talk in my eyes. Which I do, but I’ll save it for the Rick Santorum fan fiction I’m yet to write, post-election results. Read More...


Want to comment on this? First, you must log in to your SideReel account!