'Jersey Shore' season premiere recap: Checkmate for Snooki

The gang was just ever so happy to be back in New Jersey. They ran up the stairs. The girls jumped on their beds. The guys humped their beds. The guys humped on their beds. "Vinny immediately jumps on my bed to dry-hump me, just like old times," said Pauly D rhapsodically, like an old Middle European monarch recalling his days at the academy. Ronnie said, "I feel like I was at boarding school, and America's my mother, and I'm coming home to my mother right now." (Quick mental image: Young Ronnie, a hairy child-gorilla dressed in a prep-school coat-and-tie uniform, carrying a lunchbox in one hand and a sign that says "Potty Trained" in his other hand, crying on the front steps of his boarding school while his mother drives away in a Dodge Caravan, and his mother is America.) The duck phone Quack-Quack-Quacked. Deena burped. Snooki exclaimed that no one could take her bed, because she peed in it last year. As if Snookified egesta would stop anyone! "Egesta" means "excrement," and speaking of which, The Situation said, "I'm the happiest I've been in awhile. I can breathe. I can smell the smog. I love it." You might laugh, but that's exactly what Thomas Jefferson said when he returned to America from his Ambassadorship. Read More...



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