American Idol Auditions: Portland Has Exactly Zero Talented Singers

Welcome to Portland, the city that's known for its cloudy skies... and now, also known for its insufferably terrible singers! Are you just dying to go to Oregon, or what?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had sexy dreams about Sara Bareilles and made up a lie about getting pulled onstage at a Sara Bareilles concert (we saw no photographic evidence to serve as proof). We'll call this girl "Tripster the Hipster" because she has a fondness for falling, and thinks thick-rimmed glasses are ironic (truth: they are not). Anyway, as an obsessed Sara Bareilles fan she ideally wanted to try out for The Sing-Off, that other singing-competition show, on which Sara is a judge. But as the story goes, Tripster the Hipster was so annoying that no one would be her acapella partner. So she settled for lame 'ol American Idol, sang a second-rate Brandy Carlile song, and got sent through to Hollywood. Her real name is Brittany Zika but that's not important because she was not great. Read More...


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