Episode Recap: "Me and My Town"

So now that the Battle of the Bands is nothing but a smoldering pile of desperate screenwriting, it's time for some recovery on Wisteria Lane, says Mary Alice. There's a murder mystery in the offing. And there are several Desperate Husbands who are on the mend. How will Desperate Housewives recover? Read on to find out...

Pretty ugly

Let us all, individually, cry a river of tears for poor Gabrielle Solis, for she is hideously, hideously ugly. Let our tear rivers join together to form an ocean of healing tears that will protect Gaby from her hideous ugliness. Since this is television, Gabrielle Solis, this portrait of all that is wrong with human genetics, is played by Eva Longoria Parker, who is an exceptionally beautiful TV actress who has removed her fake eyelashes, cut her hair, put on a pair of culottes and a really obvious fat suit that makes her appear to weigh 110 pounds. We cry for Gaby because, also since it's TV, her blind husband might be getting his sight back, and when he realizes he is now married to a monster, he will surely leave the mother of his two children. "He's been through so much these past five years, and he's never complained," Gaby sobs. "I just think he deserves to open his eyes to a wife who doesn't tuck her boobs into her pants." With her usual tact, Edie agrees, but tells her there's a lot she can do in a month to change her appearance.

Except! "Good" news! Carlos' doctor has found a surgeon who can do the procedure in just a few days. Gaby comically tries to argue against having the miracle surgery so soon, but to no avail. With no time to get back into shape the old-fashioned way, Gaby panics and confesses her fears to Carlos. He tells her a story about the first time he knew he was going to be with her forever: Basically, he took Gaby out for ribs, and from the way he tells it, it sounds like she did her best T-Rex impression at the table, up to her elbows in BBQ sauce, with meat hanging out of her teeth and grease in her hair. It's a sweet, albeit weird story. "You know when I knew I was going to be with you forever?" Gaby asks. "About 30 seconds ago — up until then, it was pretty touch and go." Heh. Aw, you two! I love this couple.

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