Bon Temps is like one big bad luck machine, endlessly assembling a little more trouble than its residents can bear. It's been eight months for us, but mere seconds for our fang-banging friends, and still everyone's the worse for the wear. Bill's getting carved up in the backseat of a Beamer. Sookie never got a chance to say yes. Jessica's trying reanimation techniques. Sam's searching for his maker. Tara's distraught. Lafayette can't console her. Eric's being questioned by the magistrar. And Jason can't sex his way out of this one.
The hour went by in a blur of action, hamstrung by some catch-up Q&As on last season. All told, the premiere was a reminder that when done right, True Blood's bag of tricks dream sequences that read like fan fiction, biting social satire played with sitcom timing, gross out gore, id-channeling sexcapades, camp to shame John Waters can make for a rollicking hour of television, especially when anchored by pathetically human emotions like loss, guilt, regret, and fear. Plus, thanks to Andy Bellefleur, we already have a new motto for the summer: "Conscience off, dick on, and everything gonna's be alright."
Sookie's enlisting everyone she can to find Bill's kidnappers, but even the sheriff's office is all judge-y about why she let him sweat for a minute after he proposed. She makes her way over to Fangtasia in no mood for Pam's lesbian weirdness and, oh my, it's Eric's naked backside.
Sookie,he says without turning his head from the club's newest Estonian import Yvetta (Playboy cover girl Natasha Alam), in flagrante (and in chains). Unphased by the full frontal, Sookie demands that Eric tell her where exactly he was six hours ago basically setting up him for a joke about Bill's stamina. Eric says it wasn't him (in fact, his kidnappers got there after the cops showed up.) He offers to help her find Billl even if I do want what is his, then gives Sookie's lavender number a heavy-lidded onceover. This time, she has no comeback.
Address in hand, Sam's headed to Arkansas to try to find his biological family. While he's rifling through the phone book, a shirtless Bill knocks on his motel door in need of a shirt and shower, and asks if Sam wants to join. hear the water in Arkansas is very hard.Woah ... what the ... will they ... damn it, another dream sequence. We can't have been the only ones who suddenly found Bill gobs more attractive. In any case, Sam follows the brother he never knew home from the chop shop. Careful, it doesn't look like your folks want to be found.
Booty count: One thwarted (potentially explosive) shirtless dream kiss. One shower scene denied. One act of voyeurism. One playmate, in the dungeon, with a vampire. (Cross-promotional deal with the makers of Clue?)