'Hell's Kitchen' recap: 'I Don't Know How to Cook Meat' Season 8, Episode 2

Bloody hell, here we go again. Voiceover guy wasn't kidding when he generously labeled this season's merry band of derelicts "a special breed of people." Curtis is a complete mess. We've got selfish Sabrina, whose heart just fell out of her butt. Raj, a gargantuan nutball who breaks out ferocious(ly awful) karate moves whenever he drinks. A camp chef! Gail, who insists on speaking in a baby voice and suspected that the new maitre d', James, was taking the contestants to bury them alive. Do they serve inside-out salmon rolls in hell?

As a perfect extension of this season's crazy, the opening credits are totally f---ing insane. The contestants are Lilliputians, tying up Ramsay and forcing him to sample their sub-par food. He's the giant, and they're unimportant. Jillian tickles that silly giant's nipples with carrot leaves instead of doing the smart thing and using some of that luscious greenery to replace her tattooed-on eyebrows. Wow, these opening credits. Is this a parody of a reality show? No one can cook, and next week it looks like someone gets stabbed. So maybe!

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