'Jersey Shore' recap: 'I just drank cigarettes.'

When last night's episode began with Snooki taking off her sombrero just long enough to vom her cigarette into the bushes while accidentally mooning the camera, you probably figured you and Jersey Shore were in for a quiet night. (Maybe you opened up a bottle of rosé, or turned on some light jazz.) After that act of splendid debasement, Shnookums decided she needed a bed with a man in it. First, she tried Pauly's bed but it was too hair gel-y. Second, she tried The Situation's bed but it was too six-packy. Finally, she tried Vinn's bed and it was juuuussst right. Little did Snooki realize that Vinny is DTS, which means 'Down to Snuggle' and is 'STD' backwards. Smushing ensued. By way of play-by-play, Snooki gifted us this nightmare: It's like putting a watermelon in a pinhole.

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