'Melrose Place': Dr. Michael Mancini has files on everyone

Last night on "Melrose Place (2009)," it turns out Dr. Michael Mancini is keeping tabs on ALL the MPers, new and old.

Jonah & Riley, the Most Boring Couple on the Planet

Jonah gets his feelings hurt that Riley didn't tell all her friends and family that she's engaged. Wow, compelling stuff. Though just for the record, Jonah is totally right and Riley sucks. She should just sleep with Auggie and make this couple 100x more interesting. Also, then Jonah can leave her for Awesome Ella.

Riley goes to see Auggie at work for advice about making things up to Jonah and they flirt and make eyes at each other. He advises she make him filet mignon, then utters the worst line EVER as he says, "Relationships are complicated. Cooking comes with instructions." Hwah. (That's the sound of me barfing.)

When Riley can't get Jonah away from work for her special dinner, she confesses to Auggie that she hasn't told anyone about the engagement yet. He pours her a glass of wine and they make more googly eyes. Later, Riley's all drunky-drunky and says she doesn't know how she feels and Auggie tells her she DOES know but she's scared and they kiss. FINALLY! Something interesting! But Riley plays it off as being drunk. Lame, Riley.

When Jonah comes home, Riley apologizes. She claims her issues are that she's only dated 3 guys and she doesn't know what she's doing and he's intimidating and she wants to dive in with him. Ugh. He then a drops a big "no more secrets" anvil and she looks guilty.

Ella the Awesome

A director client goes all cuckoo and Ella grabs Jonah to direct the music video that said cuckoopants was supposed to direct. The artist, Boomkat, is a total diva and Jonah tries to storm off. Uhhh, way to work hard at your big break there, dude. Ella talks him down off the ledge and tells him she believes in him. If they don't sleep together for November sweeps, I'm going to be annoyed.

Jonah, of course, completely changes the weirdo director's ideas and gets all creative artist and awesome. Ella freaks but trusts him. Um, are the words to this song, "We are all just human beings, across the ocean, overseas." Perfectly banal lyrics for a pop song. Awesome.

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