'Real Housewives of New York City': Game, set, snooze

Let's all pretend those mirrored POP side tables never crossed our TV screen. Let's not even give Brad's Liberace/Versace/La Cucarachi vision another second. I took a pot brownie once and the inside of my head felt like Jill's new shiny aqua den. I will NOT go there again.

Apparently, Kelly hired a publicist because all she did this episode was smile primly and wear teeny skirts and show up on time to places. At a meeting for Jill's charity event everyone marveled over Kelly's selfless contributions (America's Next Top Model photo shoot!). "She doesn't want appreciation, recognition, nothing," said Jill, who isn't going to kick a, kick it, punch a gift horse in the face? Aw come on Red, you know better than that. What Kelly wants is the Bravo cameras rolling when she's not sneering out the side of her honey-baked face.

Elsewhere, the Countess asked the cameras to follow her to Brooklyn where she would spend the day at the Boys & Girls Club. The Smart Girls are always in need of positive role models and the Countess believed they could learn a thing or two from her own self-confidence. Oh LuAnn, I do believe you mean well and I for one love your hairstyle. But you always manage to undercut your best intentions with your blowsy, they-really-appreciate-me-taking-time-out-of-my-day ego. The Countess started going on about Get this, because it's fun the Suez Canal and royalty and her simple beginnings as the Smart Girls smartly went to their bye bye place. In a self-esteem exercise, a husky 10-year-old girl declared her desire to be a model. The Countess appraised her, complimented her beautiful face, but then couldn't resist reassuring the poor child that she had plenty of time to lose weight. Oh LuAnn, the boards are going to be hating today. At least give her points for her Team Jill t-shirt.

It's a shame that the driving thruline of this season has been this ridiculous tennis rematch between Jill and Ramona. Mario is Ramona's sketchy ace in a hole and Jill suddenly found herself without a partner. Bethenny's great idea was to stun them into submission by trotting out Simon as her new doubles partner. Poor Simon had the flu but he couldn't resist the screen time, so he gamely threw on some white shorts and a terry cloth headband. On the day of, Ramona warmed up in her swishy little skirt, reminding herself to "finish a stroke! finish a stroke!" The fact that so many people showed up in Team Jill shirts had peeved her but she worked out her frustrations with lunges and squats in the lounge. Mario wore a sweater vest, Alex a salmon-colored leather ensemble, and Kelly a stretchy black dress circa Flashdance.

Finally Simon entered the court. Ramona's eyes crossed, her Skin Renewal cracked a little, but she was determined not to explode. In the end, Simon swung and he missed, swung and he missed. Jill ran her tuckus off. Ramona blamed her misshits on boredom. I started dozing, dreaming of last week's far superior episode. And on and on the tennis match went. Kelly went to her bye bye place, dreaming of days gone by at Studio 54. Alex blamed her husband's performance on the fact that he hadn't properly warmed up. Bethenny finally admitted out loud that she was depressed. Now I''m depressed. Luckily, scenes for next week promise better action. Ramona calls Bethenny a loser!

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