"My past is littered with unbelievably inappropriate partners," writes Curb Your Enthusiasm star Susie Essman, who plays Jeff Garlin's wife, Susie on the HBO series, set to return for its 7th season on September 20. "I've been through some real humdingers over the years, or should I say hum-dingdingding-ers ... I stayed with men when the bells were ringing so loudly Marlee Matlin could have heard them."
Essman chronicles her outrageous sex life and long list of crazy partners on her memoir called What Would Susie Say: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy, set to hit shelves in October.
The Curb Your Enthusiasm star enumerates her various partners, including someone who insisted on wearing a lobster bib when having oral sex and someone who made her applaud every time he went to the bath room.
"I remember a guy I once dated who would say things like, 'Bob really likes Susie. Bob wants Susie to get naked,'" she writes, adding that the crazy bunch also includes an oddball who revealed to her that his inner child was Dame Judi Dench and a guy who told her that his pet name for his penis was Klaus Barbie, Butcher of Lyon.
"The worst, though, was this one guy who barked every time we did it doggie style. That's a little excessive don't you think? A woof woof every now and then can be fun, almost kinky, but aggressive metered barking every time?"