'Bachelor Pad' finale recap: There are no winners here

It was part Dating Game, part Intervention, part Skinemax, and all gross beyond our wildest dreams. And tonight, Bachelor Pad ended exactly the way it should have, with a showmance trumping a real relationship. Take that, monogamy! There's a lot to cover, so let's get to it.

The post-mortem begins with a lot of back-slapping and toasting to the super-duper six, but Natalie is having a hard time hiding her dismay. We made a mistake getting rid of Jesse B. and Peyton, she says. I'm over the pacts at this point. Pacts are [bleeeeep].

You know what else is [bleeeeep]? White pants after Labor Day! But no one told Chris Harrison, who summons the contestants to the living room the next day while rocking some blindingly white slacks. (Yes, people, I know this was taped before Labor Day, but is there really any acceptable excuse for white pants on a man?) The bachelors and bachelorettes gloss right over Harrison's sartorial misstep and go straight to freaking out about the next competition: ballroom dancing! Kipper, who displayed tragically uncoordinated moves during his date with Jillian in Spain, is not pleased รข€” but with trained dancer Tenley as his partner, Kiptyn probably doesn't need to worry (provided no one allows Rainbow Brite to dance the dance that's in her heart).

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