Recap: Someone eats dirt. But not enough.

One has to search for the endearing moments. So, yes, my heart did swell a little seeing Jill on the red carpet outside of a Russell Simmons party posing in a lilac-colored summer shift. "Does the dress look alright?" she asked the pack of photogs. "Or do I look fat?" The most winning of the women, Jill spent the episode enduring Ramona's wretchedness with a lemony smile and clucking after Bethenny to hydrate and Ali, who apparently smacked her back on the steps of Versailles, to wear her Reeboks.

Now Jill needs to pull Simon aside and force one of her Juicy sweat suits on him. He spent most of the episode wrapped in a loose towel. Gina, the owner of the flophouse Simon and Alex rented in the Hamptons, came over for some unhygienic relaxation. She called Simon's groin area hot and tested out her famous tickle move. (Have I seen this show one late night on HBO?) Simon, who could go freckle-to-freckle with Lindsay Lohan, bragged that he's had loads and loads of spa treatments. "Doesn't mean I'm gay for God's sake?!"

Kelly suffered the double indignity of wearing a hair net the exact same color of her spray tan and then face planted off her horse. She so far has been a sliver of a personality. The only good thing I can say about her is that she had the good sense to walk away from a ridiculously attired Ramona when she started going on about the yellow jeans she almost wore to the Hampton Classic. Ramona was in full attack mode the entire episode. She latched onto the New York Governor and wouldn't let him go until he admitted she was the blinder of the two. She demanded a rematch on the courts with Jill. She called foul on LuAnn for letting Victoria trot off to boarding school. And she swore she'd boycott Jill's arthritis charity event if Simon and Alex were in attendance. This despite the fact that her daughter, whom she would never send to boarding school because she adores her too wildly, has "rheumatory something..." Also, Ramona chews like Groucho Marx smokes a cigar -- only on one side of her mouth, with an eye-winking tic.

LuAnn badgered her daughters' friends to take their elbows off the table and barked at the Count to get his ass over to the Hampton Classic. More importantly, Rosanna is back, hooray! The sanest of all these women resurfaced from her vacation with an elegant shag and a hot rouched top and the kids lit up for the first time all summer. LuAnn told Rosie to relax and recover from her jet lag, then promptly sent her down to the basement to do laundry.

Bethenny surfed. Bethenny grinded with the gays. Bethenny admitted that had become frighteningly skinny, reminiscent of Calista Flockhart in her dancing baby days.

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