It's not Gossip Girl here, but we are writing to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Nevertheless, we have to talk: This meeting has been convened because it's time to fix our beloved Gossip Girl. The ratings have dropped to a season low of just 2.2 million, and while many of us are still streaming it with relish, it must be said that creatively, the show is starting to stink like so much day-old smoked salmon. As others warn of the impending death of Gossip Girl, let's see if we can do something to help. Pull up a Chesterfield sofa and partake in the holiday-weekend brunch buffet we've prepared Mochaccinos for everybody! remove your platinum cufflinks, roll up your sleeves and let's get to work. While the show is on a brief hiatus, we've come up with a few fixes, but we need your suggestions as well. XOXO.
PROBLEM Serena and Dan's constant breakups and reconciliations have lost any sort of narrative weight.
SOLUTION Serena and Dan need to stay together, or break up for good. While there might be a certain degree of high-school realism to the way that S. and Lonely Boy have ridden the On Again/Off Again Express, it's annoying to watch. Plus, there's virtually no difference between the two scenarios. They always stay friends anyway, and the brief times they do part ways, it's always for some stupid reason, like Serena wanting her mother to find true love with Rufus, not because they actually don't like each other anymore. We'd actually vote for keeping them together. It's cool to have one committed couple in the mix, even one as boring as these two are.
PROBLEM Miss Blair's beloved Dorota is underused.
SOLUTION Shady Dorota! The producers have been smart to sketch Blair's Polish nursemaid as vaguely as they have. As far as we know, Blair actually owns Dorota. But look more closely, and you'll see something more knowing behind those obedient eyes. Announcing our new crazy theory: Though others have different ideas, we think that Dorota is actually ... Gossip Girl herself! Even if she isn't, wouldn't it be fun if the writers were to drop some misleading hints? It'll get the fans OMFG'ing all over the place.
PROBLEM Chuck acts like a 38-year-old lothario celebrating his latest divorce.
SOLUTION He might be Chuck Bass, but he's still a 17-year-old high school student. His latest storylines corporate sabotage? his bender in Thailand? that Eyes Wide Shut sex-party scenario? have stretched the boundaries of plausibility for too long. Even rich kids have to conjugate verbs in French class and spike the punch at the dance every once in a while. If nothing else, seeing Chuck's exasperation at, say, having to play badminton in gym would offer the show's costume designers the opportunity to conceive an athletic ascot - the "ath-scot," if you will - for him to wear. Stay in school, Chuck!
PROBLEM Serena is too nice.
SOLUTION The show is constantly reminding us of Serena's bad-girl past. Unfortunately, as played by the wholesome, adorable Blake Lively, Serena is about as threatening as a baby koala. That said, we know she has it in her. Serena certainly isn't above using her feminine wiles to get what she wants; the writers need to amp this up and find her inner party bitch. While it could be argued that Blair already has this territory covered, we'd counter that it might go a long way toward explaining why these two are BFFs in the first place.
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