This recap assumes you watched 30 Rock instead of $#*! My Dad Says. That you chose NBC -- "the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media" -- over a tote bag that says The Mentalist. The gang is back for season 5 and couldn't be more self-aware. "I know, season 5. We were supposed to get canceled," Tina Fey winks at us.
Matt Damon's Carol, doorman to the sky, stayed at Lemon's place this time and completely broke down. I can't decide which gift is greater -- Jason Bourne crying like an infant or The Barefoot Contessa serving as Lemon's life idol. "Her husband only comes home on the weekends and she spends the rest of the time eating and drinking with her gay friends!" Despite their shared love of Ina Garten, sweater weather, and when Muppets present at award shows, Carol didn't want to go on like this anymore. "I'm not like Jeffrey Garten," he wept, as Jeffrey hoped Ina would have fun without him on TV. (!!!) "I'm not as strong as that guy. I need to know where this relationship is going and I can feel you resisting it." Outer-spoon that man!
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