'ANTM' recap: Hello 12, hello 13, hello fug

Omigod you guys! ANTM is back for its 14th (!) cycle, and despite my inherent skepticism about the whole enterprise, if the premiere is anything to go on, we're in for a pretty decent ride. You know, if you like your rides bony, marginally unstable, and full of outrageous platitudes. And I think you do! The 90-minute episode included two rounds of casting, plus makeovers, fights, and a teaser about next week's challenge. Ye gods, producers: Pace yourselves. Grab your heels, and hang on to yer drama, cause here we go...

The opening retrospective tragically included scenes from the first majestic season, which reigns as one of the all-time greats - Robin moaning prayers as a snake is wrapped around her neck? This show has never come close to how good that first cycle was, and having it shoved in our faces felt unfair.

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