'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: A pile of Slade

Bring it on!” Vicki told a table full of Housewives. Unless you’re going to try and make her feel in any way self-reflective, in which case keep it to yourself or prepare for a teary walk-out scene. Alexis got on her high horse and started counting up all the women who found Vicki obnoxious. (If I’d been invited to the lunch I would’ve given Vicki a distracted “mmm, sorta” hand and then a half-hearted “woo hoo!” to the waiter for another round of mimosas.) Vicki, of course, did not appreciate Alexis assuming the helm of criticism and stomped off, complaining of being attacked.

Lynne had dizzily excused herself to the lady’s room so she missed the whole fight and Tamra was struggling to use two pieces of flatware at the same time. So it was left to Briana to break down the argument in terms the ladies could understand. She started making excuses for her mother’s behavior, and why blind-siding her with a confrontation was a bad idea, before giving up altogether. “I’m 22 years old,” she sputtered — to herself, to the production crew, to America! — “I don’t want to get in you guys’ BS. I’m a nurse! I have my own life!” Oh how I love me some Briana. Though my affection for her dimmed somewhat when she blamed the whole fracas on the sheer number of gathered women. “This is why I don’t hang out with girls!” she said. How that tired line chaps my hide. I’ve heard it spoken from too many women who almost sound like they’re bragging. I can hang with the dudes, man, but broads? They get to talking about their feelings and somebody gets hurt or hormonal or bitchy or whiny and inevitably somebody winds up with a Lee press-on nail stabbed in their back. So, a quick rant from me to the Brianas out there and the women who raise them: (1) If you as a female don’t like women as a gender, it might simply be that you fear it’s you who are unlikable. (2) Hang with different women. They come in all types. (3) If women raise their little girls to be princesses (Tamra! Lynne! Alexis!), and teach them to crave compliments about their adorableness above all else, it shouldn’t come as a surprise when these same little girls grow into women who are threatened and unkind when they find themselves alongside other women in a room.

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