Jake and Amir

Season 3

Talk is cheap. And I'm the cheapest.

If you can stand the heat...

Why give, when you can take?

Go with the flow, man.

It's pathetic to be sympathetic.

A joke is like life. You can't explain it.

Friendship is the ultimate treat.

Losing hurts.

Don't worry. Be crabby.

Songs are music to my ears.

Sometimes treats are bitter sweet.

Doors don't keep other people out. They lock you in.

Too fast, not furious enough.

I need T.P. for your friendship.

The best ideas are my ideas.

You just got burned!

Why vacate when you can staycate?

Like stealing candy from hundreds of babies...

Winners never lose.

Promises were made to be broken.

Lets hear it from the peanut gallery

I'm hungry! For companionship.

You are everything you eat.

It's like talking to a wall.

Coming soon to a theater near Jake.

Two can play at this game.

You're either in or you're out. And you're cold.

Save the trauma for your mama.

Everything is free if you don't pay for it ;)

This message had better self destruct.

You have to apply yourself.

Fate doesn't just happen, you have to try.

Sometimes I just feel... trapped.

New shirts are better than new friends.

Jake doesn´t give a tweet.

Bros icing bros before hos.

Death is a part of life. Especifically the last part.

Decisions are harder than anything. Even diamonds.

Honesty is the best policy. Also, store credit is good.

Opportunity knocks. Hard.

When you know, you know, you know?

Bad Call.

If you want her, come claim her!

Caught in a good romance.

When it comes to not doing work, I'm all business.

Why write when you can type?

Don't hold your breathe.

Soul switching is for soul mates.

Little things are a big deal.

You can't spell diet without DIES!

They say family comes first, but for me it's bros before hos.

Justice is not only blind, it's served.

Why so crabby?

You've got mail. Get it? I'm the AOL guy.

Paying people back is a bitch.

Art doesn't need to be explained. It needs to be appreciated. NOW!

Gooooool! To the bathroom.

You can't teach skill.

Don't tease me, bro!

It's so hard finding some shut eye at work.

Every day is an adventure. Except boring days.

Gallons and gallons of fun!

Don't get puzzled. Get even.

Pranks are part of a balanced breakfast, BITCH!

Focus, concentration, chips. I have all of these things.

Boy is my face red. With joy.

There's nothing stronger than a mother's love. But I've been working out.

Cheer up. Don't be down. I left. Right?

Time is money... And I'm rich!

When it comes to exercise, motivation is everything. Also, upper body strength is everything.

Learning about your best friend takes time (and money.

Learning about your best friend takes time (and money.

The only thing taxing about your taxes is filling them out and stuff.

Fiction is stranger than truth.

No actions speak louder than no words.

And this is something Amir is really excited about.

It's never too late to whip out your favorite joke.

Blood is thicker than water. But soda trumps all.

Keep your friends close, and the actors hired to play them so they can work from home closer.

It's about exercising your core, and impressing your friends.

You make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

You can't cover the truth in snow. Or in general.

If dogs are a man's best friend then Jake is definitely my bitch.

Is that a me on your back, or am I just just happy to... or... I dunno. Nevermind.

You don't have to be healthy to feel good.

This gag always kills.

In a game like this, there are no winners. Except for me.

It's hard to get down to business when you live so far away.

The future is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

Long distance relationships never last.

Some phone calls were made to be answered.

There's no such thing as a good idea.

Hard hitting interviews hurt sometimes.

Change your mind, not your friends.

Doesn't matter where we sit as long as its together.

Fresh starts are for fresh losers.

It's hard to say goodbye, that's why I say "peace."

The more things change, the less they stay the same.

I get high with a little help from my friends.

New coworkers and fish stink like fish after three days.

You only regret the decisions you don't make.

No need for self-improvement, when you're perfect.