Alex's Reality Rant: The 8 Most Unsuitable Suitors From The Bachelor & Bachelorette

In honor of Frank's dramatic bail-out earlier this week on Ali's season of The Bachelorette (ugh, the nerve!), I got to thinking: what's up with all the total jerks who get thrown into the mix every season? Sure, there's the obvious reason of providing the necessary drama that makes the show entertaining (okay, so maybe that's the only reason), but sometimes even the sweetest contestants you'd never expect to turn sour end up revealing themselves as more villainous than those who have clearly been planted by the producers for drama's sake. They may all look perfect on paper, have washboard abs or swimsuit model bodies, and boast praise-worthy talents like songwriting or, um... wrestling, but there are always a few suitors who are hiding a closet crazy or inner a-hole despite their picture-perfect first impression. So without further ado, here's a rundown of the 8 most undateable contestants of the past 4 seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette ('cause those are the only seasons anyone cared about anyway!):

1. Justin from Ali's season

Oops, I mean "Rated R." Of course, the fact that he was an entertainment wrestler was weird enough, but it wasn't quite a deal-breaker for poor, naive Ali. However, the fact that he had two girlfriends (surprise, surprise) certainly was grounds for an early dismissal (not early enough, if you ask me), and he was properly schooled when he was shown running like a little girl from Ali's angry interrogations.

2. Natalie from Jason's season

Since she's already made my list of Dumbest Quotes Ever Said On Reality TV, I think it goes without saying that Jason is better off without her. With a refusal to speak of anything but shopping, fashion, and her love for bears, Natalie seemed to have a hard time "opening up" to Jason on a deeper level...

3. Wes from Jillian's season

Unlike the slightly sneakier Justin from the current season, Wes was completely open in front of the cameras and to the other contestants about his status as an already-taken man. In fact, he pretty much would brag about having Jillian wrapped around his finger, singing lame country songs about dead dogs and pick-up trucks. Luckily, Jillian came to her senses soon enough, with a little help from that boy scout Jake Pavelka.

4. Rozlyn from Jake's season

Lesson learned by this contestant-producer tryst: don't pick a fight with Chris Harrison. When Rozlyn was exposed for getting hot 'n heavy with one of the show's producers (while on the show), she got defensive and started hauling out the low blows and catty insults towards the show's host, as if it was his fault she had to go and act all trashy on reality TV. Not exactly the classiest way to handle a sticky situation, but I couldn't have possibly expected anything more!

5. Craig M. from Ali's season

This Patrick Dempsey wannabe was pretty much the complete opposite of a McDreamy. Sure, the Weatherman was super dorky and annoying, but acting like a complete jerk-off bully was no way to get ahead in the competition. Luckily, we'll get to see more of his smarmy smile and beady eyes in the upcoming Bachelor Pad. Unless he hits it off with the equally vapid Natalie (above), we're thinking he's not going to excel in that environment, either.

6. Shannon from Jason's season

How to Woo Your Dream Guy, according to Shannon:

Step 1: Find your intended target on MySpace.

Step 2: Memorize their entire profile, including their siblings' names, their siblings' spouses' names, & their children's names. You don't need to be friends with them to do this, unless their profile is private, in which case you should definitely befriend them. Also memorize the content of all their pictures. Memorize everything.

Step 3: Recite to them everything you've memorized from their profile. Everything - just recite it. But phrase everything in the form of a question, so that he/she won't think that you did something crazy like memorize their entire MySpace profile (ie: "You have one older brother, right? His name is Adam, right? Is he by any chance married to someone also named Shannon? OMGz how funny").

Step 4: Reiterate over & over to him/her that you are not a stalker. If he/she doesn't seem convinced, blind him/her with your florescent smile. Then continue reciting from the profile.

...The funny thing is, it really did work for like, 3 rose ceremonies. WTF.

7. David from Jill's season

While someone who can appreciate a healthy dose of bluntness (like me) might have swooned at his romantic come-ons (ie: "your a** looks amazing in spandex"), Jillian was less than impressed. Make that totally creeped out. C'mon David. You're all about preachin' the "man code," but isn't it kind of against man code to act like a total d-bag on national television?

8. Michelle from Jake's season

It kind of sucks to be labeled as the season's token "crazy" right off the bat. Just ask Michelle -- there's just no recovering from that. No matter what you say -- especially "I'm not crazy" or "I'm just trying to get married! NOW!" -- only digs you deeper into your hole. Oh, and it definitely doesn't help to be on the verge of tears every time you speak, and then eventually explode in the form of a meltdown by the episode's end.

Got any other memorable unsavory contestants to dish about? Share below!


1 comment

Default avatar cat

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Jul 21, 2010 8:09PM EDT

looney Casey (who got the 'shielding your heart 4ever' tatoo) from Ali's season... veryy creepy! :-O

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