ANTM: Beam us up...fiercely! (Recap: Eps 1 and 2)

Tyra (and crew, but really just Tyra) are back...and if it's possible, they're crazier than usual.

Get ready for some of the worst special effects you have ever seen, because Tyra has decided that the first episode's theme will be that of technology/space.

The technology/space theme gives Tyra the opportunity to say things like "We. are. not. looking. for. America's. Next. Top. Martian." (in what Tyra perceives to be a martian voice) as well as "Beam us up...fiercely."...both followed by the worst special effects you have ever seen (intentionally bad, but bad nonetheless). The Jays are also dubbed Alpha Jay and Beta J and I can't decide whether Jay Manuel's hair is more or less ridiculous than usual.

The initial interviews

-Brittany has a lucky thong.

-Marjorie has a nervous/hyper vibe.

-Kacey doesn't have white friends anymore, but she doesn't select her friends based on race.

-Isis was born a man.

- Lindsey is not fat enough to be a plus sized model but not thin enough to be a regular one (bummer).

-Susan graduated from Harvard but can't name a heroine from American Lit (and she was an English major).

-Samantha can't name any current models. Has the girl never read a Victoria's Secret Catalog?

-Elina is a vegan and bisexual.

-Joslyn has auditioned 30 times.

The Isis Controversy

Kacey first notices that Isis seems to "have no boobs". Isis is asked whether she is"all female" to which Isis openly explains that she is transgender.

I can tell that the idea of prejudice will be a recurring theme this season (well, depending on how long Isis lasts).

In the span of this first 2 hours, some of the things said about Isis include:

"Ain't this supposed to be a girl competition"

"America's next top model is not going to be a drag queen"


"The reality is she's a man"

Some of the girls also assert that Isis is strong and supremely awesome - so the reactions are quite varied.

The First Photo Shoot

Pretty unremarkable - the girls are forced into some hideous metallic catsuits and pose with yoga balls.

Who are the fierce 14?

No big surprises again. All of the Brittanys make it through (though 2 of them change their names to avoid confusion and are now McKey and Sharaun). Not fat enough Lindsey, stupid Harvard grad Susan, prejudiced Kacey and a few others don't make the cut.

The awkward interviews with the judges Pt.2


-Shauran thinks she "IS America's Next Top Model"(Foreshadowing)

-Marjorie is gorgeous and is going to take some great photographs, but I fear she is too awkward to ever win.

-McKey is this season's Michelle (the wrestling chick from cycle 4)

-Oh my goodness! They didn't tell Nigel that Isis is transgender (but he knows something is different about her).

The CW Wants You to Vote

If you haven't figured it out yet, The CW really wants you to vote. Go register. Now.

Naturally, the photoshoot is focused on various political issues.

In Clark's - who had no clue what bureaucracy was - defense, she was the only one that got an issue that wasn't "the environment" or "immigration" (though all of the red tape should have been a clue).

And was it a coincidence that Isis received "privacy"... I think not.

The Results

The Best: Marjorie, Joslyn, Brittany, Isis

The Accidentally Good: Sheena, McKey

The Decent: Elina, Nikeysha, Samantha

The Worst: Clark, Analeigh, Hannah, Lauren Brie

The Porniest: Sharaun

And the lesson of the week is: Never. Speak. Back. To. Tyra.

I thought you were gone, Nikeysha, but it's Sharaun (one of them Brittanys) that's outta there...

Turns out Sharaun is NOT America's Next Top Model.


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